4th February 2005
My day really started only when he called me to meet him at SAFRA Yishun. Didn't really understand that emptiness that dwelled deep within me. When I finally did meet him, he said I looked rather angry and aloof. He tried means and ways to cheer me up but somehow, I was just not up to it.
Towards the end of the game, his phone rang and somehow, I felt that the call was from her. I, instinctively, took off from my seat, walked towards the toilet before deciding to just walk out of Cathay Bowl. His friends were at the door so I couldn't just leave. I waited for him whilst contemplating why I'm still in this relationship.
We went down to Boat Quay and I withdrew some cash. I told him that I wanted to go look for my friends and will join him later. He looked unhappy but that's what I really wanted at that time. I walked into Passion to say hi to Agnes. She's one Christian sister I've found in the midst of my dwelling in hell. She has been really looking out for me and constantly pushed me to thinking about God all the time. I didn't stay for long but I promised her that I would drop by again soon. Shin Bar was next on my list. I went down to look for Mervin and his friends. Drank and laughed quite a bit. Then he called as I told him I'm leaving their company soon and wanted to find out where's the pub they were heading towards.
He told me he was still around the corner, at one of the food stalls. I went to look for him but I forgot to bring my bag along. I told him that I needed to go back, talk to them a little more before grabbing my bag and leave. He just kept asking why and made some remarks about wanting to hit Mervin. I was rather unhappy cos I felt that the entire incident was my fault. It takes two hands to clap but that's a logic that somehow, he prefered to shy away from.
Went back into Shin Bar and had a couple more drinks before deciding I should really leave. I didn't want the night to end on a sour note for him and I, especially since I know I will have a harder time the next day just thinking about whether he's fucking her, etc. He told me he was at a pub opposite of Passion and I went to look for him. The place had a nice decoration - plain and simple - but small. He ordered a jug of Long Island Tea and we drank. We talked about lots of stuff.
Talked about her. Talked about us. He kept assuring me that he's not sleeping with her or anyone, for that matter, since we were together. I kept giving a cynical view about all these things and replied him what Mervin once said to me, after we broke up.
"I'll never have sex with the girl I love till the day after we're married. Sex before marriage is for people I'm not that interested in..."
When he heard that line, he kept going on that he's not treating me like a sex partner and that he really loves me. That's when, in that drunken state of mind, I realised he never once said that he doesn't love her. Realising what a fool I am, I just kept on drinking. I've keeping silent for so long before I lashed out yesterday. He sent me home after that, so much for wanting the night to end on a positive tone. I kept pushing him away in the cab ride home. Kept keeping to myself throughout the journey.
When I finally lay my head onto my pillow, I took out my phone and began a string of messages to him.
"sorry."
"Its ok. I know its hard on u. Will call u on sunday, then we talk ok?"
"nvm."
"frankly, as your gf, have i failed in anyway? tell me honestly, how do u feel about me? i'm getting so tired at second guessing everything, that at times i feel that i should just give up."
"I already told u alot of times, u are a wonderful girl. No need to guess and dun give up on me dear."
"it's gettin difficult. so difficult."
"Dear i reach home le. Anything u wanna tell me we'll talk over on sunday night."
"bye."
After the last message, he immediately called me and asked,
"What do you mean by bye?"
I just mumbled something in reply and he was like,
"I know you're tired. We'll talk things over on Sunday k?"
I just muttered some reply and hung up. I just wasn't up to talking to him.
5th February 2005
My brother asked me out for a bowling session. Broke my nail as a result but as I bowled, I had a little time to myself to think.
Kept thinking about lots of negative stuff. Kept wondering if I were to meet with an accident today, will he care enough to abandon all and rush to my side? Or will he simply harbor the fear till Sunday comes... Then my thoughts drifted to the future and I started thinking, won't it be great if I left on a Saturday night for further studies. I'll just use my phone and make a call to him, knowing he'll definitely cancel my call, leave a voicemail stating that I'm leaving and that that's my final goodbye to him. I wonder what will his reaction be?
It's amazing how I can be so manipulative yet I still feel so trapped in my little world. Sunday has dawned upon me and I've work later. Now, all I'm praying for is that when I do finally leave, may I be strong enough to resist emotions, temptations and, the biggest obstacle of all, myself.
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I love you but sometimes, I'm so confuse that I wish I never knew this love.
