Waking up the very next morning, a familiar pierce in under her ribcage was felt once more, a familiar stab towards her heart resounded. She still couldn't believe and grasp hold of what had just happened. Weren't they laughing and talking again once more? How did things boil down to such a manner? How did everything just go wrong? Was it something she did? Was it something she didn't do? She wasn't sure. She couldn't understand. Tears welled up again.
She didn't dare open her eyes for much longer, she shut her eyes. The blinding sunshine blazed upon her eyelids, forcing her to face the day but she couldn't. Day no longer belong to her. She belongs to the dark, the gloomy, the depressed. Finally sunshine gave up on her and the bittercold night sky swept past her lifeless body. She awoke, like a zombie, pale and lifeless. Walking about in a daze, her head was throbbing in pain.
Panadol Extra Strong. She needed one of these. She needed to get rid of the pain... She popped one. Two. Three. The pain was still there. "Useless piece of junk!", she sweared under her breath and roughly threw the box of pills aside. Throwing on her jeans and a polo tee, she walked out of the house decked in a windbreaker and cap as well. She wants to lead a life of an anonymity. In silence, she paid tribute to nature, to her surroundings. In silence, she remembered Anita Mui, how she led a life filled with friends and accomplished many but her only desire - marriage. In silence, she recalled that bitter row. In silence, she teared once more.
She reached town with her brother and continued her walk in silence as they made their way to Party World. Everybody there seemed to be singing their blues away and they were no better when they met up with her other two friends. They sang love songs. They tried to sing their blues away. They cracked jokes in their midst. They tried to contain their tears in the little joy they found in socializing.
Leave. She had to leave. The memories of him were swimming back into her mind as they walked out of Party World and onto the deserted Orchard Road. There were lonely individuals. There were couples basking in love under the night sky. There were young people just gathering to fight off the loneliness. There were the old looking up to the starry sky, probably wondering how their life had passed them by. She stood at that very junction that he had left her on New Year's Day to take a cab back alone at 0200hrs. She remembered how they had argued that very day and how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Day when everybody was out partying and having fun. Then she remembered that big plastic bag with the name "Molecule" on it. It was Valentine's Day and she saw them standing in front of that florist. She heard him promising her that he'll buy her blue roses for their next Valentine's day together. She remembered the smiles on their faces. She remembered the love they shared. It was too much.
She burst into her house not wanting to think of anything. She just want to be alone. She locked herself up with her laptop in a tiny little room. She was still feeling the throbbing pain within her head. Burying herself under the thought of finishing her report, she typed on. It was 0300hrs. She was getting tired. She had finished her report. The night had proved too weary for her soul. She laid down once more.
It seems to be a cycle she couldn't break out of. Very next day seems to be a repeat of yesterday. She found herself in pain once more. She found herself fighting against the sunshine. She found herself fighting against everything that proved too tiresome. All she wants is her old self back but she lost her to him.
She laid on her parents' bed. Glancing towards her right, she softly swept her hand over the empty side of that bed. She recalled how they had once laid there in a morning, cuddling up against one another and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. She recalled how they had fun kissing and hugging, making out under the sheets. She recalled how he promised he'll never leave her...
"How are you...", she began to call out in a whisper, "are you feeling better? is there another girl that cuddles you in the same way that i do? is there another girl laying on the very same bed with you?"
Tears trickled down from her eyne onto the pillow. A smile formed upon her face, a sharp contrast to how her heart was feeling.
"i hope she's making you happy..."
Turning to her left, she mumbled to herself.
"living is worse than death but what choice do i have?"
Her smile came crestfallen as a frown took over it's place. She couldn't bear it any longer. The silence between them both since that night. She tried calling him again but no one picked up.
"you really ain't gonna pick my call up anymore. maybe you're right. i've to break this cycle. break this cycle of pain and hurt. i let my heart lead the way and that's all i got but i don't blame you. i blame myself. i blame myself for letting you make all the decisions. i blame myself for believing in us so much. i blame myself... never you. someday you'll meet a new girl and marry her. i'll watch from afar, smiling down at you with blessings in my heart. ah yes, it's time for me to leave for a faraway place. it's time for me to go away, to grant you the peace that you said i denied you of... i'm sorry my friends, my family, my Lord. the devil has gotten me."
One last tear drop fell. The love within her still burning with such passion. She had said she'll love him till the end and she did. She loved him till her very last breath. As her final moments flutter her by, she found herself at Anita Mui's funeral watching how her ex-lovers proclaimed her as their greatest love in their life. How they finally realised what they have lost. How they all cried in silence for the woman that loved them so dearly and passionately. She smiled as life seeped away, thinking will he ever say the same?
People only learn the true value of things dear to them when they lose them forever.
