walk beside me

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

You are not vain or narcissistic; you show genuine concern for others. Plus, you approach the world from a deeper perspective than just a physical or appearance-based one. This is certainly admirable, but be careful not to go to the extreme of putting everyone else's needs before your own -- you don't want to try so hard to understand others that you allow them to exploit you. You also have to be careful that in de-emphasizing the physical you don't completely discount it and fail to give your appearance the consideration it deserves. A little bit of vanity and narcissism can be self-protecting as well as motivating, so take the time and effort to allow yourself to be as beautiful, well-dressed, and successful as you deserve to be.

What a joke.

hearts 15:51:00
0 spoken words

which art movement are you?

this quiz was made by Caitlin

Love!

Engagement Ring

You sure are loved, or are loving! Filled with
romantic giddiness, you radiate love,
affection, and caring. You know how to make
other people's day. Your only problem is that
you risk a chance of being rejected, which is
probably a large fear of yours.

What Type of Christmas Present are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Find your inner Smurf!

You're a wine stain. Equally likely to occur after
a romantic night out on the town, and a night
on your sofa, contemplating the pathetic wreck
your life has become. Either way, you're just
a reflection of what it looks like inside your
liver.

What Stain Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Matrix!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 15:49:00
0 spoken words

You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while.

Which kind of candy are you?
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I Am

Which tarot card are you?

Numenorean

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

Take the Quiz here!

orange
You are Orange.
You are outgoing and optomistic. You always try to
find the bright spot in everything. You are
energetic and people are naturally attracted to
you. However, you are not always sure of what
your purpose or goals are.
Most Compatible With: Fresh Mint

Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 15:27:00
0 spoken words

Heard the sweet sweet sound that I yearned for so long....

Wonder these tears... are they of joy? or what?

I miss you. I never realise how much I miss you till now... I need you so badly that I realise you hold the key to my future for so long... I need you...

hearts 15:02:00
0 spoken words

怎么隐藏我的悲伤失去你的地方
你的发香散的匆忙我已经跟不上

闭上眼睛还能看见你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻那想念的身影

如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白

我会发着呆然后忘记你接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑接着紧紧闭上眼
又想了一遍你温柔的脸在我忘记之前

心里的眼泪模糊了视线你已快看不见

-- Jay Chou's Gui Ji

Thanks Jakob for the lyrics.. =)

hearts 14:36:00
0 spoken words

Brought me hope that brought me down,
Tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow.
Heard too much at such a late hour
That my heart seemed ready to die.

Why? I questioned non-stop. Why?
Why are you making decisions for me?
Why can't you see that I can't do it?
Why don't you realise that I need you?

I tried calling, tried reaching out to you
Yet you denied me of your voice once more.
I feel my life seeping away at each tear,
Feel my heart turning colder and colder.

Screamed out in despair and in pain,
Lord, take me away from these hardships.
Can't bear it any longer, no, too tired to,
All I wish for now is eternally in slumber.

hearts 14:26:00
0 spoken words

I dialled.

You cancelled.

6 drops of tears.

Silence.

You messaged.

I replied.

Silence.

A withering tree.

hearts 05:13:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

You're an Angel! You must be a very beautiful
person. We salute you. Just think you're lying
around on a cloud, waving at aeroplanes. I
think it's probably nice and relaxed up there,
maybe some joints going around to enhance the
atmosphere. Have fun, you're really sweet, just
don't let people take advantage. oooo also you
can fly, wheeeeee.

Life After Death
brought to you by Quizilla

Unreciprocated Love

Which Life Stage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Blue info

Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and
your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and
as many say "Your head is in the
clouds."

What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 20:51:00
0 spoken words

you are steelblue
#4682B4

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect.

Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it.

Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

hearts 20:38:00
0 spoken words

I wish I was Anita Mui.

She's dead.

hearts 17:45:00
0 spoken words

What am I waiting for?

"An answer"

2 bus 67s passed each other.

hearts 02:26:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Yunting says, "You are too good to the guys in your life."

I replied, "It's easier to make others happy than to make myself happy."

Joy eludes me like never before.

Take care my pals. I see my departure drawing nearer and nearer.

hearts 21:18:00
0 spoken words

Tears came flowing as night creeps in,
The freezing glare of night staring
Straight into my eyes stabbed within,
Felt so sure that I would breathe my last.

Enveloped myself in complete pain
That I seem so well-addicted to.
Unable to break out of the dizzy spell,
I saw dismal written all over the walls.

Tossing and turning, trying to sleep
But they kept calling your name,
They kept throwing your image,
Heart started to fail; breath slowed.

Sanity begged for all to stop
This nonsense; these pain and hurt
But drugs the pain has became
Bringing myself to a new level of ecstasy.

hearts 17:54:00
0 spoken words

You told me we could be friends if I chose to.

Then you slammed the door straight at my face.

Said I treated you too well that it made you guilty.

Banished me into strangers' arms away from you.

All I had is my seeping strength to climb out of it.

Climbing became so tiresome that I fell again.

Fell back into the pit where you threw me into

The day you walked out of the room with all

And left me in total darkness; no beam of light

Could ever seep through till you pick me up...

hearts 17:47:00
0 spoken words

. message .
Have been away for a while. A message to all that matters...

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Hope all of you had fun. =)

. thoughts .
Lotsa thoughts have been on my mind whilst I was away. I thought to myself. Do I really still love him or am I holding on cos I promised that I would? I thought to myself. Have I fallen for another but am denying cos it's wrong?

Been thinking about it so much that every single night, I couldn't sleep. I would toss and turn and keep questioning non-stop. Yet the moment my eyes close, the image was so clear. It was you, Mervin, that came into my mind once again. Your face, your voice - they just won't go away. My body yearns for your touch. My ears for your voice. My lips for your kiss. My eyes for your face. But no, you denied me of it all... the moment you went away.

And now the answer is clear. I really do still love you. And I'm sorry for I know that my love for you is more of a burden than joy... Sorry.

hearts 06:06:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Who are you?
Whose face so familiar
Yet so stranger now,
That I can't recognize?

Your betrayal of such
Pierced right through me
Killing every single ounce,
Every single part of me.

Tears have fallen much
Heart has ached in pain
Mind will be trapped for long
As time slowly seeps away.

Don't wanna care,
Don't wannt know
Yet love is still abound so
Who are you?

hearts 18:03:00
0 spoken words

To Mervin: My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you... But does it matter anymore? My love proved to be a burden to you. I love you... I don't understand why but I'm still loving you despite all. I'm sorry. I love you...

hearts 04:59:00
0 spoken words

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

hearts 04:37:00
0 spoken words

Stirred up my thoughts,
Confused my mind,
Emotions are whirling,
Dizzy with love.

Things have change,
Things unchange,
Choices to be made,
Wisdom to be used.

Voices of sensibility,
Laughters of innocence,
Tears of bittersweet,
Music of serenity.

Waltzing in and out,
Never a thought or two,
Expect none of it
But expect all of it.

hearts 04:32:00
0 spoken words

. monday blues .

Hm. The color doesn't seem to match the title but who cares. =P

Went to work in a daze. 4 more working days to go and I'm freed from ITP forever. Can't wait for 31st December to come. Not that I hate the job or whatever, just that during this period, I really needed time off. Then again, I've never really gotten whatever I've really wanted. But it's ok. =)

On my way home, I overslept on the bus and ended up along ITE Tampines. Got down and was debating whether to take a bus back or to walk back. It was such a difficult question, ya know? Fuck. I sound like a bimbo now. LOL. I walked back eventually and lots of thoughts came into my mind. What is the real dream in my life? What is the real aim in my life? Is it to excel in drama? Or is it something else?

Made my way back home and got changed before heading out again to meet Shiyan to shop for present for the gift exchange tomorrow. Bought this aromatherapy jar and eucalyptus and lavender oil from Parkway. Hope they like it. I mean, they always look so freaking stress. Talked to Uncle for a while and he kept teasing me the whole day. Poking me at the sides. Ouch, it's painful ya know?

After that, Brother called and asked whether I wanna meet. Since it was still early, I went down to Tampines to find him. Brother! You look good today! LOL. I'm serious. I wasn't hungry anyway, so Brother ate on his own whilst I was like fighting against the sleeping virus. We didn't talk much today. Maybe cos of the night. Everything was so still, so peaceful. It seems as if any movement or noise will disrupt this scene of tranquility.

. notes .

Ingrid, welcome back!!! read your mails and replied. let's just wait and see how things go ya? future is something we can never comprehend...

Felix, congrats my li'l brother!!!! you did me proud by getting into chinese high! LOL. you're my pride, my joy. the only other man that truly matters in my heart. work hard my brother. always here for you. =)

- had a thought today and i heard morpheous' voice in my head. "some things change but luckily some things never change"

- got MIB2 and gangs of new york posters today. have plans for one of them...

hearts 04:28:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 22, 2003

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to jouney's end

Sleep now
Dream - of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gull call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time

Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizons?
Why do the white gulls call?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come
To carry you home

And all will turn to silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

- Into the West from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Performed by Annie Lennox

hearts 01:56:00
0 spoken words

. serene saturday .

After all the tears and heartache. After all the ranting on an innocent girl. I went forth to church. I was so tired that I fell asleep on the bus all the way till Downtown East. It was raining and I was wet - drenched by the rain. I felt coldness pierced through my skin and tingled my nerves. I felt alive.

Walked towards Downtown East for a sheltered route to church and to look for a comb. No idea what devil possessed me but I ended up buying Booz. After I paid for Booz, I recalled that this was the exact drink he and I drank at Cineleisure. We were sitting at that building beside Cineleisure, near the car park. We were sharing the drink. Having fun. -sigh- Reality check. I'm now alone... drinking.

Made my way to church from there and met Charlene on the way. Asked her how's things and where they are all headed for PAE. Charlene's going HCJC, Huiying to NJC, Nicholas and James to TPJC. It's so cool to see others making the mark but when I thought about myself, I could only tear. I let go my one chance in JC for something... that no longer matters.

Had a great service. God, I know I'm forgiven but forgive me if I still feel condemnation within my soul. I just can't release it. Yet.

Went out to catch the 2310hrs LOTR show. Had a cup of hazelnut latte before going in. Ok. I'm sold. The show IS not bad. =P But I prefer the soundtrack. The music pieces are so nice!!! -sigh- I wanna move to New Zealand and stay with Legolas. Note that I specifically stated Legolas cos Orlando Bloom sucks. Only his portrayal as Legolas is cool. =)

After movie, I walked home despite knowing that it was raining. Was all wet but it was worth it. I needed to feel rain coming down on me. Needed to see how tiny drops of rain could form little ripples amongst the puddles. Needed to feel the cold air pinching my skin. Needed all these to remind myself of my very existence. That I'm still alive. Not dead. That it's reality that you're no longer here.

Brother walked out to pick me up. Stupid fellow! Get yourself all wet for what? -sigh- I needed the time alone. Never mind. I know you care that's why. Thanks. =) Ernie also asked whether I wanna a ride home but cos I really needed the time off from everything else, I declined. Thanks Ernie. =)

Slacked with Brother at my block downstairs. Played with fire and cigrattes. LOL. Let it burn. Let it burn! =P

. hot sunday .

Quarreled with Mabel today. I know I'm fat but you don't have to keep harping on it! Dammit. Anyway, went to get a formal dress for the company's annual Christmas celebration. After that, I went to get Lord of the Rings: Return of the King original soundtrack. The music pieces are very nice!!! =)

Then after that, I went to meet Peifang and Karen. Got a poodle-pooh bear for the gift exchange. Girls, I'm really sorry for my poor attitude but so many things have happened that I've changed. No longer can I laugh like yester-years. No. Laughters were exchanged for tears. All I can feel now is coldness and loneliness. All I can see is darkness. Condemnation stems within my soul. Forgive me if this girl, that went by the name Clara, is no longer the girl you used to embrace not so long ago.

Met up with Brother later. He asked me some questions. Caused me to brought forth more questions instead. So many thoughts in my mind... swimming around. When will I gain the peace I need so much? When will I gain the joy I wish to embrace? When will I find love that lasts eternity? When will I find me... in this lost little world of mine...

. notes .

- I no longer hear laughters within my soul. No longer see sunlight in my dreams. No longer finding solace in nature. All I feel is darkness, coldness and tears...

- I don't know who you are. Know not what you want. But a thought has been stirred. It has been silent for so long but has now been awaken.

- To you-know-who, you asked me what question am I referring to just now. I found it hard to say it. I think you know what I'm talking about. I ask you please, do not ask me of such question. I won't answer directly. If it's meant to be said, I will say. Don't try and figure out whether I do or not cos it doesn't matter.

- Ernie, thanks alot for your concern. I'm a girl who can't express much verbally. I let words form my image. These are my thoughts. My darkest thoughts. My cries for help. My tears and my joys. Read when you wanna understand what's going on in this li'l girl's mind. I thank you once again, my brother in Christ. =)

hearts 01:33:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Why bother now? Tell me why? You guys never bothered. Why start bothering me now... You don't know how I feel so stop your lectures!

Have you seen my many tears that flow? Have you seen the facade I wore? Have you seen how those knives repeatedly stab? Have you seen what they have seen? They who were mere acquaintences that cared. Have you?

Don't give me all these nonsense. If you guys really cared, you all won't have taken so long. You all were my close friends. But now, tears will flow, heart will ache, friends... I no longer know your faces.

hearts 19:45:00
0 spoken words

Looking, gazing out into the open,
Stars were glittering in the sky,
Waves were crashing on the beach,
Currents stirred within the sea.

Sea's fragrance allured my senses,
Calming my soul through and through,
Comforting my heart so much
That it proved nauseating to my mind.

I licked my lips, tasting the peace,
Realising how intriguing tranquility is,
Taking a bite in it I would love,
Yet embracing serenity proved futile.

The cold sea breeze brushed me past,
Tingling sensation of love and joy,
Tugging of heart grew strong and more
That the tingling became a hurting feel.

Seen, smelled, tasted and felt -
Something was missing and I can't tell.
Sat like a stone in quietude - I finally knew,
I've lost my sense of hearing since you left.

hearts 17:58:00
0 spoken words

Dreamt of you again and I just kept wondering... When will this nightmare end? When will it all just fucking end? I'm so tired. Say it straight in my face that you no longer love me. Say it straight. Kill me. Stab it straight through my tender heart. Let my troubled soul to sleep. And my battered body to eternal rest...

Which Guilty Gear X character are you?

They said that we are products of our past and not prisoners of it.

I stopped and pondered.

In that whispering voice of mine, tears trickling down my cheeks...

"I threw away the key... a long time ago."

hearts 17:40:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 19, 2003

Haven't blog for a while. Will condense all information.

. healthy tuesday .

Was slacking the whole day in office. Bored out of my mind. Saw Brother online then I asked him whether he wanna meet for dinner and he said ok. Went to Bedok to meet him and saw Jeffrey (wodypeck) there. He was kinda shock to see us and joined us for dinner.

According to Jeffrey, Keeptouch's T-shirt will be out for orders very soon. Cheers! Finally. The t-shirt is finally out!

After dinner, we walked around Bedok for a while before Brother and I went down to ECP to try out McCafe. Met Yuna there and was talking to her about lotsa stuff and got to know Jacqueline and Jo-an through her. The whole night, Yuna and Jacqueline were going, "You look familiar" to Brother. Even Brother found Jacqueline familiar. LOL. Maybe dreamt of her, ya? She's quite pretty what. =P

Yuna & Jacqueline enquired about Mass Communications and I was like, "no... you don't wanna go there." LOL. I've grown such negativity towards my own course... tsktsk. Anyway, nothing I say will deter them which makes it great! So, let's just pray that their results will make the grade.

Oh. If you're wondering what my title tuesday is "healthy", that's cos after the talk and some fun later, Brother and I walked from ECP back to Bedok!!! LOL. Healthy us ya? On the way back home, we met Yuna again and I sat down with her to talk about stuff.

I told her that I hope that before I leave Singapore, I'll be able to see her and her brother getting along well and no longer in cold war. That will be the best farewell gift ever...

. sleepless wednesday .

It's buddy's birthday!!! Happy Birthday bud! Went over to his chalet straight after work. Met Yuna first of course. Then as we walked to his chalet, Jacqueline was in some shit so we took off almost immediate when we arrive at his chalet. I think he was kinda pissed by that. Sorry bud!!!! Hope you understand.

Went out to look for Jacqueline but couldn't contact her through her phone and Yuna was getting very worried. Finally, we found her. Talked to her for a while and she told me about her family background, her past relationships and what was going on. She's a strong girl and she knows it. I know she'll be able to strive in media next time. She's just so prepared, thanks to her background.

After that, bud called and basically sounded kinda pissed and I rushed Yuna back to the chalet. Then we stayed up all night. Met with Chao Siang again. Happy birthday to you too! Met quite a few new friends though I only remember 1 name, Julian. Sorry guys. Maybe I'll get your names the next time round. =)

O. By the way, I got a free matrix reloaded soundtrack, bonus DVD, mousepad and wallets. LOL.

. sleepy thursday .

After sleepless wednesday... came sleepy thursday. Without sleep, I went to work as per normal and was struggling to keep my eyes open, which miraculously stayed very active the moment I stepped out of the office! =P Got to do with the environment I guess.

Lip Sing came to look for me to go lunch today and we made our way to Singapore Post to eat at Long John Silver. It has been such a freaking long time since I last stepped into LJS. Talked abit. Got to remember to pay him back cash. Work, brain, WORK!

Met up with Brother after work at my block downstairs and we proceeded to Marine Parade to eat. I just had this sudden craving for the economical bee hoon stall. It's just so nice!!! Had ice longan along with it. Deee-licious. After dinner, we walked towards ECP to have a walk.

Got our drinks at 7-eleven. He had some weird blue drink that just tastes weird. I had WKD Vodka. No idea what the fark it is. Kinda can't remember the name. Ah. Whatever. Anyway, we decided to walk all the way to Bedok jetty since I've never been there before.

But my title is not sleepy for nothing. After we manage to get to the new food village area, I was too tired to carry on. The "illegal immigrant" spirit inside me stirred and I slept at the stone bench there. Brother just kept watch over me as I slept. When I woke up, thanks to all the bites, I told him I can't carry on and so, we went home.

Upon reaching my block, I dragged my feet towards the blue stone bench and sat there, waiting for Brother to join me. When he did, I almost immediately fell into slumber. Gotta wake up later to get my ass home so here I am, typing all these stuff that sounds so alien all of a sudden.

Damn tired. Might elaborate further some other day...

. notes .

Ingrid, -huggles- thanks alot for your mails. forever looking forward to them!!! let's pull each other out of the dark room ya??

Bud, sorry if yuna and i pissed you off. i'll explain to you the exact happenings of the day soon k??? don't angry hor... =)

hearts 04:09:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Sipping down a cup of Latte,
The bittersweet taste lingers
Longer than I much desired,
Yet the pleasure of it - much.

Sitting at the outdoor cafe,
Thoughts were swimming,
Tears were flowing within,
Yet a smile was on my face.

Seeing people walk me by,
Singles; couples all alike,
Elders and youth all around,
Yet a lonely soul sat in silence.

Seeking for an answer to all,
Images and voices everywhere,
Joy and pain displayed all at once,
Yet questions ruled the night.

hearts 04:32:00
0 spoken words

. thoughts .

Went out with Brother after work today. Had our dinner at the new East-link mall foodcourt. Afterwhich, we slacked around and I deposited my paycheck. Yep. I finally got money coming in. It feels good... =) Brother then suggested that we catch a movie so we went to Century Square to look at the timeslots and I picked Elf as our movie. LOL. After buying the tix, we headed for Coffee Bean to have latte.

Sitting at the cafe, I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed with thoughts. Thoughts of what life really is. Thoughts of what love is. Thoughts of how scary humans can be. Thoughts of myself. Thoughts of my past. I couldn't think straight. I just sat there and stoned. I felt like an alien in the crowd. I felt different.

I had enough then got up and told Brother let's go for a walk. Walked around and sprayed 212 H20 on Brother. LOL. He was like "Wah. So strong." LOL. =P Too bad. We went to watch Elf after that.

During the movie, tears were welling up in my eyes. Where has my christmas spirit gone to? Where is it? I felt so selfish. I felt like a grinch. Towards the end of the movie, a teardrop rolled down from my eye, out of sight of Brother. I wanna feel that warmness too. Of how Christmas really is. But I'm like an alien in this world where I can only feel cold and more cold.

On the way back home, the song "Take Me Home, Country Road" was in my head. I wanna be home. A real home. I told God, "Daddy, I wanna go home... Let me back please?" Silence. "Daddy, please. I'm tired of this world. Let me back home where it's warmy and fuzzy." Silence. "Daddy!! I'm sorry for all my sins. Please! Let me back home. This world is too cold for me. Please!" Bus 67 drove past me at the very moment I lifted my glance. And the next thought came into my mind - "Who will come to my funeral?"

What's your answer?

. notes .

1. Ingrid, I read your blog and I am dumbfounded. I thought I was reading my own thoughts. I'm with you, girl. Always with you. Stay strong. We'll get pass this somehow, I'm sure.

2. Mervin, have you forgiven me? Can we talk? Let's just clear it all up. Set my mind at ease, please? Is that too much to ask?

3. Brother, thanks alot brother. For always being there for me. Especially today. I swear I would have died in pain if not cos of your messages.

4. Piggo, thanks for always hearing my nonsense. Thanks alot. =)

hearts 04:16:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 15, 2003

Call me fool; call me anything you want,
I no longer have any objections to them.
A bitch, a slut, cheap, fool, retard -
What haven't I been called in love?

Tears rolled down so often; hurt by your words
Yet you knew nothing, no, nothing of it.
You only saw my glum face; my smiling face
And at times, my tearing face - for what you didn't know.

Was hurt by you, so deep, so painfully, it's still fresh.
Will I ever get used to this pain and scar?
Will I ever walked about in the day without fear of it?
Will I ever rest in darkness without loneliness?

Questions are abound in my pursuit of happiness.
I wanna be like a child in her innocent years.
I wanna be like an infant, smiling the most pure.
Amnesia, hit me please, then my wishes and questions will be
Answered.

hearts 20:26:00
0 spoken words

. reflections .

Had combined cell group and the skit went on rather smoothly today. Thanks to Charlene, Nicholas, James, Huiying, Eugene, Jason, Ai Chen, Ben and Ernie. Without their help, I don't think any of it could be possible. Dickson talked alot about first love today and I realised for so long that I never really had a first love with God. I felt ashamed and weird that I cried. I cried for my soul that has never given fully to the one Man that loved me so much. I cried for my heart that loved a mere mortal more than my heavenly Father. I cried for myself. For being so blind in my journey through life.

After CG, I went out with Alvin, Joo Khim, Joshua and Randolf to Changi Airport for some food. Had spaghettit cabonara. It's not exactly fantastic so give it a miss unless there's nothing else left on the menu, ya? As I walked around with them from Terminal 1 to Terminal 2, a constant thought was in my mind - Why do I wanna leave Singapore, the place I've called home for so many years?

I was stuck. Unable to answer even my own thoughts. I just kept quiet. Solemnly quiet. I looked out the windows at the viewing gallery. I saw planes taking off and landing. Then I realise, after so long, that I never really wanted to leave this place at all. Yet I felt compelled to leave. Leave not because of myself. Not because of the choice of study. No. It was none of it! I wanted to leave, to run away from the build-up of problems that I had ran away from all these times. I wanted to leave, to leave behind all the hurt and pain by building an imaginary boundary from it all. I told Brother about all of these thoughts and he said he knew it all along. Even though I know the reason now, I still wanna leave. Yes, despite the fact that I'll be leaving behind my family members, my friends, my church and all that matters to me. I still wanna leave this place I once called home. Home has a warm fuzzy feel. But I no longer feel warm and fuzzy here. No. I feel coldness.

After all that thoughts, we left for home and I got off at Tanah Merah. I walked home from Tanah Merah and along the way, I kept thinking and asking God why is He subjecting me to all these hurt and pain and when will I see light again? He spoke to me and said, "You are here to love and not to be loved." I was shock by that statement. What do You mean by I'm here to love and not be loved. I wanna be loved. I wanna be cared for. I wanna have a family that I call mine own. I don't wanna be alone. Then He replied, "Isn't My love enough for you eternally? Why do you seek mortal's love?" I was silent but I continued saying to him that Lord, I wanna have a family where my kids can grow up and continue to spread Your love around. He said, "Look to your right. See what you have to see. That's your answer."

Turning to my right, the first image that came to my mind was me in Yuwei's car, in Mervin's arms grumpy and all. It was the night when I called Beizhen to rush payment from Kay-lene but Kay-lene refused to pay. I was supposed to go to Mervin's place to stay for the night but I was too upset to continue with it so I told him I wanna go home. I saw his upset face yet again. Then it flashed to the scene where Yuwei got lost and I said, "Never mind la, go Merv's place." And I stayed at Mervin's place that night as planned. At the point of recollection, I heard Mervin's voice again. "I thought you'll not come to my place cos of that little incident. I was kinda upset by it but was glad you changed your mind."

I'm lost for words. God has spoken yet I'm not sure what it all means. I'm not sure...

. notes .

1. Brother - Thanks for the X'mas present. =) Thanks alot. Was really unexpected. Thanks for always being there for me. Love ya lots~!

2. Ingrid - I've added your link. Take good care my friend. Someday we will let love back into our lives again. I'm sure. =)

3. Mervin - You've read what I've heard. How do you feel? More disgust? All I wish to say now is, I've forgiven you for all the hurt and pain you've caused me. I don't know whether things will ever work out but I just want you to know, I've never stopped praying for your happiness and I will never stop. I love you... forever. I'm sorry.

hearts 04:14:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, December 14, 2003

In serenity, I hear voices speaking,
Thoughts were swimming in my mind,
Debates going on within the sanctuary.
In serenity, I found a chaotic scene.

In chaos, I saw a solitude figure,
Walking alone, eating alone in silence,
His footsteps can be heard within the crowd.
In chaos, I found tranquility misplaced.

In negativity, I saw a smiling face,
Laughing and playing in full delight,
Prancing and dancing to music in darkness.
In negativity, I found optimism shining.

In optimism, I saw a tearing heart,
Crying and writing in such unbearable pain,
Her sobs echoing through the day.
In optimism, I saw negativity tearing within.

hearts 04:06:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, December 13, 2003

. thank God it's friday .

Was sick yesterday. Totally wiped out. Had to take MC from work AGAIN!

Brother brought me to Alpha Clinic to see Dr. Hsu. As usual, I got the same old lecture that I can't take cold stuff... blahblahblah. Slacked around at Parkway after that before leaving for rehearsal at Church.

Had fun trying to coordinate the whole play thing-y. Hope I wasn't too harsh on them though. I just happen to have a higher expectations for such stuff. Sorry if I've been too harsh.

Told some stuff and asked some stuff. Guess within me I'm still questioning myself but without a doubt, I can't afford to fall in love. No. Not after all the pain and hurt it has brought me. No way am I gonna let myself fall into that bottomless pit ever again. I still love him. Maybe that's why I'm not allowing myself to fall for anybody else. I think I'm nuts. The medicine is eating into my brain.

O. By the way, I got a new inhaler... it's called turbuhaler. LOL. Stupid name for a stupid-looking inhaler but well, it's gonna save my life so gotta praise it ya? So it's a foolishly-tube looking inhaler. LOL.

. dreamy saturday .

Woke up early today to the voices of my parents arguing. Just in case you guys are wondering how the hell I was awaken by them. I'm still sleeping in the living room. Haven't got the courage to sleep on my bed yet. His gifts to me are still on it. Sugar, Divine, Red bear, Giggs etc... They are still there. Have no heart to face any of them yet. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to. =)

Took my medication and my heart is pounding damn fast now. What to do? -sigh- Who ask me to choose this ill route in life. Forever sick. Can't even do something strenous without injuring or falling sick. -sigh- Lousy li'l body of mine. Got a rehearsal later. Hopefully things will go well. Gonna take a rest now. My head is starting to feel heavy again.

. notes .

1. Asatoma Sat Gamaya, Tamasoma Jyotir Gamaya, Mrityorma Anritam Gamaya - means - Lead me from the unreal to the Real, Lead me from the darkness to the Light, Lead me from the temporary to the Eternal.

2. Maybe someday I'll stop thinking of you and start wishing the best for myself. Maybe someday I'll have the courage to look forth in life, a life without you. But please pardon me if my heart still beats for you. For when Cupid strike, he did not count on a double shot through me and a rebound from yours. Sorry. Hate me no longer... For hating takes up lotsa strength. I love you. I'm sorry.

hearts 15:55:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Walking silently under the dreary sky,
Dripping wet from head to toe,
I felt coldness surround me,
I felt heartache piercing within.

What is this feeling of pain yet numb?
What is this feeling of hurt yet joy?
The ironies of life at play through nature,
Comprehension of it proves futile.

Tried to walk away in grace.
Tried to walk away in joyful smiles.
Yet the heart tears from within
Liquid forming over my vision.

Someday I'll walk away with my head high,
Someday my heart will sing cheerful tunes.
Till that day comes back and stay,
Draggy dark nights are here for company.

hearts 23:57:00
0 spoken words

. thoughts .

I said some things to someone dear to me yesterday. Have been feeling uneasy the whole day. I questioned myself to no end.

Have I been too harsh?

Have I said anything wrong?

Have I hurt someone dear?

I don't know. I felt as if I just did something dreadfully wrong. Struggling with my emotions. Resisting the urge to message him. Took a cold, long walk in the rain. Let it cover up my tears. Let it cover it all up. I can't seem to understand myself anymore.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But I'm confused myself. I'm sorry.

That's all I can say... I'm sorry.

. me .

Still coughing. My chest pains are back. Maybe I'll die soon. Then we shall all rejoice k? Damn. Gotta finalise the script by today. Sigh. I miss him alot. But he doesn't know. No. He'll never understand.

Ingrid emailed me today with a beautiful message. Girl, thanks alot for the mail. Till now, I still can't fully express my thoughts in reply to you. I'm really touched by your wonderful gesture. Thanks. -huggles-

. notes .

with remorse vanquished, hatred has bred.

Mervin, do you hate me now? What for? Have I not left you alone? -sigh- Whatever I do is just wrong. Isn't it??? I can never do right in your eyes, can I? Loving you was a burden for you. Caring for you was too much for you. So tell me, what do you want me to do? Just tell me!

hearts 23:53:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I haven't updated my blog for a while. Was away on a retreat to Ubin during the weekends.

.Imprints.

That's the retreat's name. It was a church retreat. It was also the first camp I actually cried at. I cried on the first night cos of the confessions I made. I was so touched to see everybody pray for me as I just kneeled there and cried. The next day, I went to cycle with the rest of the churchmates and I got into a minor accident. I fell right on my left knee and there's now a massive blue-black on it. That very night, during worship, we were asked to commit ourselves to be disciple-makers but I couldn't. I felt dirty and unworthy. Celine came over to pray for me that I'll cast away all condemnations but I could take it no longer. I broke down again. I left halfway through the worship. I sat by the lagoon and cried. Asking God why all these tears? I was so tired. Went back in and I saw how committed everybody was and I left to cry again. I was so lost. I went back in again. This time round, I sat and wrote my thoughts down. Ernie came over and said, "Clara, let's talk." And we talked. He emphasized to me many times that God loves me despite all that I've done. He continued on saying that I should never let my past imprison me. And I just sat there, crying. I didn't know what to say. Ernie, probably realising that I wasn't listening much, decided to pray for me instead. I am really thankful to everybody. Thank you... for trying to help me. But I've realised long ago that only I can help myself.

"Jesus straightened up and asked her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' 'No one, Sir,' she said. 'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus answered. 'Go and sin no more.'" -- John 8:10-11

.Kayak.

After camp, without sleep and lunch, I went to kayak with Wayne, Edeline, Patrick and Tiffany. Edeline and Patrick capsized and Wayne had to swim Edeline back. Patrick had to tow the kayak back. Tiffany and I were left trembling out in the cold. Without much guess, I fell ill after that. Had flu and sore throat. But it was a very enjoyable trip. Had a good talk with Wayne and he asked me how were things between inke and me.

I didn't know how to reply. I haven't spoken to him for so long. I believe he's doing better than me. Having fun with his friends and girls around him. He doesn't need me. He never needed me. I was probably just a liability to him. Did it matter? I don't know. I couldn't reply to Wayne cos I didn't know how to. All I could say was "I haven't spoke to him... since that very night."

Brother came and look for me after that. Borrowed Terminator 3's VCD from me. I slept whilst he sat at the stone bench. Don't know what was going through his mind and I was too sick to ask by then. Finally, I decided to go home and he sent me back.

.Monday Blues.

Took MC on Monday. Was too ill to report to work. Brother brought me to the doc and it was then that I realise I was actually having fever. After that I had breakfast with him and he sent me home. I went straight to sleep and slept all the way till 5pm. I was that tired. After dinner, I decided to go out for a walk with Brother. Breathe in some fresh air. I was feeling better but was still abit groggy. Brother send me to Vanessa's house to do manicure. Painted my nails white with baby blue flower stickers. Very winter-like. Love it lots. Brother waited for me at her block downstairs before we made our way back. Then we sat at the stone bench once again and I fell asleep. I seriously think I can go audition for a part as an illegal immigrant. I can practically sleep everywhere!

.Thoughtful Tuesday.

Went back to work today and had a busy busy day. Rushed around doing lots of purchase orders, goods receipts, inventory checklist and zapping of documents. Nearly forgot I was sick. Got Matrix Revolutions OST! Thanks Nicole and Augustine! =) Nicole knew I was a great fan of Matrix so she passed me the OST that Augustine got from Warner Music. Met Lip Sing for lunch and the first thing he said to me was, "You look pale". But the thing is... I'm still not dead.

After work, I went to do pedicure. Painted my toenails black. A contrast to my fingernails. Had lotsa thoughts on my mind today. Gotta set them straight... I've got to.

.Notes.

P.S. To Mervin, if you're reading this... I just want you to know one thing. During the retreat, I asked God for guidance and He said to hang on. I don't know what He wants me to hang on to. Whether it's to you, our relationship that you considered gone for so long or to my dear life. Whatever it is, I know for sure, you're part of the reason why He's asking me to hang on. So please stop persecuting me.

P.P.S. Wrote quite a few poems during the retreat. Hope you guys will enjoy it. =)

hearts 04:11:00
0 spoken words

Loneliness surrounds my everyday lives.
Fear of relationships; commitment at play.
Reaching out to others for desired help
Yet many a times were I rejected or denied.

Like a broken doll I laid of the road,
All filthy and tattered; torn and stained.
Yet You came along and took a look
Before picking me up to be loved by You.

I was just a nobody that has been dirtied
By choice or by fate I do not know.
But a bond held me close to You for long
That I hold You in such high regard.

Thus, so, the reminder of me filth
Tore me apart from within so bad; so much
That I felt that I've done great wrong.
Please, my love, show me your forgiveness.

Teach me not to let my mind be devil's workshop.
Teach me to understand Your love for me.
Teach me that I've been forgiven and owned
For You are my only true friend in this noxious world.

hearts 04:04:00
0 spoken words

Looking deep into His beautiful eyes,
Full of compassion; full of grace.
He smiled the most beautiful smile
And spoke in His deep, mellow voice,
"Rest, my child, rest in this fight.
Let Me carry you through it all
For you have been worn out and broken.
So pass it all unto Me; Let Me do the works."
There I laid, in complete tranquility.
Falling, for once, into the slumber much desired.

hearts 03:59:00
0 spoken words

Artificiality surrounds my physical.
Laughters used to mask the many tears.
Tears used to mask the vengeful anger.
Anger used to mask the shaking fear.

Yet fear, Lord, is not the root of all
But temptation that causes the rot.
I am no one in this world of chaos
But I am someone who can make differences.

I hear You, Lord, I hear You clear.
Holding on, fighting hard, believing
Are all formalities in this walk but
What you desire is a sincere and pure heart.

hearts 03:57:00
0 spoken words

I knew not what you ask;
Know not what's in hold
But Lord, now I see
And now I understand
That all is necessary
In this walk to seek you.

Though hardships are ahead,
I understand now I'm not alone.
I am no longer afraid to face the new,
No longer a fraid to be alone bodily.
For You are always there, watching.
Thus, I thank You, for blessing this
Wretched child.

hearts 03:55:00
0 spoken words

Tears flowed down her wretched face.
The way she questioned with so much doubts.
She seemed not to believe in what Lord wants;
Not to understand why or whether she was worthy.

Cracks were formed upon her cursed heart.
How she grimaced in the hurt and pain.
She seemed so tired in this journey to be found
That she made yet another plea to be gone.

hearts 03:53:00
0 spoken words

Hurt and pain was written
Upon your tired and weary face.
Tear-stained is your heart
As I see the many tears at night.

Do not fret, my child, do not.
For I am here to guide you
Through this treacherous route.
You are not alone. Never will.

The lessons learnt, my child,
Is to prepare you for further tests.
Tests that are to come
To break or make your faith.

So rest well, my beloved child.
Stay strong in thy faith.
For my plans for you
Will unravel in due course.

hearts 03:50:00
0 spoken words

Friday, December 05, 2003

Still not sleeping on my bed.
Still crying myself to rest.
Still not able to smile fully.
Still in pain and hurt.

Unable to clear your gifts.
Unable to stop my thoughts.
Unable to get you out of my head.
Unable to feel joy and happiness.

Feeling like a machine.
Feeling emotion-less.
Feeling so alien to my ownself.
Feeling abandoned and cold.

Shivering in the night
Is the only human thing left.
Can't cry; Can't laugh.
Emotions has forsaken me.

hearts 01:46:00
0 spoken words

Got a free Matrix Reloaded CD case. It's damn cool. :)

Don't know what went wrong with me today. Saw bus 66 approaching, even flagged for the bus. But I didn't board.

I took 65 instead, the bus I'll take home from Orchard whenever I was out with him. I just sat on the bus. Staring. Hard. But tears will no longer flow. I felt my chest hurt. I felt my head in pain. I needed to cry but I couldn't. The tears didn't obey.

I got off the bus and I saw 67 drove past yet again. Why Lord? Why am I still linking everything back to him? It's so painful. Just leave me to be... please.

Went out for lunch with my manager and colleague, Augustine and Adeline. Talked about lotsa stuff and Augustine probably felt the need to console me cos towards the end he said that I still have a long way to go in relationship. And probably I'll find my life partner overseas.

I can't seem to be able to picture myself with anybody as yet... Maybe never.

The chicken rice stall guy asked for my number and I guess I just went berserk cos I actually gave my number to him. -sigh- Whatever. I didn't take his number. Couldn't be bothered.

Just found out I passed all my modules.. but I'm not overjoyed or anything. I just feel empty... Congrats.. you got your AD. I'm happy for you.. I really am. If only I know how happy feels like...

I really need to cry...

Please.. tears.. just flow. Please.. don't let my only emotion left abandon me too.
Then I'll truly be empty... an empty shell...

hearts 00:17:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, December 04, 2003

BROWN

You are usually very straight-forward. You have a passive personality and enjoy nurturing those around you. You are very grounded and prefer to keep things simple and honest.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

hearts 03:14:00
0 spoken words

Met Lip Sing for lunch today. Decided on some stuff about our trip.

After work, went to meet Uncle. I was at the bus stop thinking what bus to take. I knew 66 and 65 will lead me to areas that will allow me to change to a bus that will go to Parkway but I just stood in a daze staring at both of the bus leaving the bus bay.

61 came and I found myself walking towards the bus. I didn't know where it was going. I just took it. Then it passed Circuit Road. I stopped the bus. Got off. Took a good long look at the surrounding and found a bus that went to Parkway. I just kept looking around at the surrounding as the bus travelled towards Parkway.

This place... All the memories... I'm gonna leave them behind. I'm gonna leave this familiar place. All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by emotions. I had to calm them down. Went to buy Barcadi to drink before meeting Uncle.

When I met Uncle, I just kept laughing and laughing and laughing. But it was empty. Maybe he knew it, maybe he didn't. I couldn't tell. We touched on some sensitive topics before leaving the area.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I just don't wanna let go. Maybe I'm just not ready to give up all hope on this relationship. Maybe I just love him too damn much.

A guy will only regret when it's too late. A girl will always hold on till the end, hoping the guy will come back to her. But the guy will only regret when the girl gives up... and by then, there's no more turning back. When a girl's heart die for the man, there's no turning back for the guy. But when a girl's heart dies for love, she can never turn back...

hearts 03:01:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

I finally managed to upload music onto my blog! Enjoy the first of my favorites. All the songs that I choose to put up will be related to how I'm feeling. So enjoy!!! =)

hearts 02:29:00
0 spoken words

Lip Sing is back in town! Met him and had real fun chatting with him. Discuss some tour plans with him.

He bought me Tempus Two, a white dessert wine. It's damn cool! The bottle is freaking nice.

I realised, yet again, today that my love will never die.. Kept dreaming of you.. Kept thinking of you.. I was at the bus stop for less than 10mins and 4 bus 67s came from both directions.. It's scary.

I'm tired.

hearts 00:51:00
0 spoken words

Monday, December 01, 2003

I sat on that freezing stone chair.
You were staring at me, probably thinking
What in the world happened to her again?
I sat there trying to think of answers
But words failed me and silence unfolds.

I can't tell you why, what, how...
I can't put to words how I feel during nights.
Nothing seems real around as illusions takes over.
Nothing seems to matter anymore when he left.
Forgive me... for I just can't help but be selfish.

hearts 18:23:00
0 spoken words