YESTERDAY
Went to help Pauline's friend's audio project. Managed to finish everything within 2 takes. Got to know some really cool people and learn more about the mixer and stuff. Pauline asked how were things and I just said I don't know. I wish I can be strong and just leave but I am not sure if I can. She just kept nodding her head and I guess she has no idea what else is there left for her to say. I didn't wish for her to say much too cos what's the use of saying so much when I won't bother listening right?
After lessons, I went to look for him. He dyed his hair copper red I think and put a tattoo that looked fake to me on his right arm. He changed his handphone to a Samsung model. I clung on to him the moment I saw him. I just didn't wanna let go. All that bullshit talk about wanting to let him go was just bull. I couldn't let go. I just hang on to him and kept repeating that I want to try again. He didn't look at me in the eye but he, too, kept on saying that he don't wanna try anymore. He looked into the distance when he said he don't love me anymore. My heart shattered. I wanted to cry but I tried my best to hold back. I'm sorry, baby, if I cried yesterday, I've already tried very hard to hold back but sometimes, I just couldn't do it anymore.
I told him that I must try and he just replied, "Try lo, you try yourself." I just took up the challenge. I told him if I have to do it myself to convince you that I will, cos I saw and felt something entirely different from the way he told me he don't love me anymore. He tried to aggravate my hurt by saying he doesn't treasure me. I wanted to slap him but I restrained myself. I just stared out and thought to myself, why is he doing all these? He tried to make me leave by saying he's interested in another girl. I told him I don't believe. He asked me if any guys were after me, I just said yes but it doesn't matter.
He asked me why I'm doing this to myself and why can't I love myself more. I didn't know how to reply cos I don't even know the answers myself. What is putting me through all these? What is making me go through all these? I don't know. I just told him I wanna try and that if I don't try now, I might never have the chance to anymore. He ask me why? I told him I'm going away soon... after poly ends. Then he ask me where? I just reply, "somewhere far far away." Then he ask me if he was to try again and we stay together for another 2 years then I'll still have to leave, won't things be worse? Then I just reply back, if we can be together for another 2 years then I'm sure somehow we will manage something out of it.
Then he just kept shaking his head. He laid back and I laid down beside him. I look at him and kissed him. He just laid there and I just laid on his chest. Then we sat up and I went to sit in front of him. His arms came round me. I can feel it... I can feel that somewhere there's still something. The way I laid on his chest, I can feel a totally different vibe. He kept pushing me to leave and I did, eventually.
But I didn't go far. As I entered the lift and walked out of his block, tears were streaming down my face. I just kept crying and crying. I went straight to the park in front of his place and sat there. I cried my heart out. I muttered prayers to the Lord asking him for forgiveness, asking him to forgive him for saying those hurtful words. I ask the Lord to give me the strength to do whatever he wishes me to do. I ask the Lord to harden my heart so that I'll no longer have to feel love and the hurt it brings again. Then it started to pour, it's as if God was crying for me too. I messaged Yidali to tell him that I'm crying again and that I'm still not over Mervin. He replied back later that he wants me to be happy. He says what's the use of crying?
Yunting freaked out when I called her and I just kept lamenting that I'm tired. She was worried I might go kill myself. Frankly, I was on the verge too. I was just so tired that I wanted to end everything. I know it's irresponsible but it was the only thing I can think of to end this hurt. She tried to call him on his handphone but he hung up on her. She was angry and kept asking me to return or meet her somewhere at least. I finally calmed down and I just said ok, I meet you at city hall.
I went down to Suntec to meet her. I was early so I went to the spot where I received my first present from Mervin. I still remember how I made fun of his teeth whilst we were taking the escalator up. How I chided him for smoking before meeting me. I still remember every detail of that meeting but what's the use? He doesn't. I went to the spot where he and I sat under the stars waiting for Jeffrey and his other friends to turn up. I sat on the exact same bench and I just looked around me. Everything was still the same but he's no longer there with me. Yunting got Samuel to come down to meet me as well. I'm really sorry to have bothered him. But Yunting was still worried for me and persuaded me to go over her place to stay.
I messaged Mervin to tell him that I'm not going home. He messaged back and asked where are you going? Yunting was surprised that he actually replied but she didn't say much. We spoke alot about other things and how she rather I go for another guy now. I told her straight in the face, I can go find a guy and just go with him but what's the point? My heart is still with Mervin, everything and everywhere I go, I'll be thinking of Mervin. I rather be the one suffering than let another person suffer as well.
TODAY
I went to school from Yunting's place today. Went to eat at Net restaurant for the first time. Their black pepper steak was fantastic. I was sick though so I went home earlier to rest. Yunting messaged me to ask how I am. I told her I messaged Mervin to tell him that I still wanna try even if it means I've to do it alone. I also called him to tell him what I wanted to say. She told me she's having problems too and that both of us should move on together.
I told her I don't know if I should move on but I know I can't let go. There are just some things in life I can't give up. She understands and says that she's trying hard not to message someone. I told her that I'm, too, resisting against the urge to message Mervin to tell him that I love him and stuff like that. I'm trying my best but does he know? He doesn't. Probably to him, I'm just another selfish nut.
