walking contradiction

25 years old.
a girl of irony.
studying in university of new south wales - ba/llb.
living and let live.
truly blessed by His and his love.

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. feelings and thoughts .

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

i told myself that i should minimise my use of this blog as much as possible as it's meant to record only moments of negativity. i didn't realise that less than 30 weeks away from our wedding, i'll be penning something so negative about us.

when we first started out as a couple, you assured me that i'm your baby and that you'll never intentionally hurt me. now, 4 years down the road, why am i crying this badly? my final semester is coming to its end soon and i should be joyful about my return back to singapore, back to my family and friends and, most importantly, back to you. yet, you managed to make me feel that my return home is a bad thing, something that should never occur, that perhaps, it's best that i remain out of your life as much as possible.

i never realised how much of an inconvenience it was for you to do something for me. i asked you last year end to assist me in my move back. you agreed and i told you to keep mid-end june free, as i wasn't certain as to when my exams will end yet. in march/april, you dropped the first bomb. you said that you have agreed to help a friend for a CD and would like to perform at the launch, scheduled to be on the 24th June. i was extremely disappointed and argued with you. to me, you demonstrated that you can't be relied upon. i told you how i felt and, naturally, you got upset. i reasoned with you as best as i could and finally, you agreed with me that this is something that you've promised me and because of that, you'll keep to it and reject the performance at that launch.

a month or slightly more later, you decided to do the same again. this time round, it was for your malay band. you expected me to sacrifice 72 hours of your help, so that you can perform at a couple hours' gig. what did you want me to say? yes? have i not made it clear to you by then why i needed a week from you to do the move? have i not given you enough time to make alternative arrangements? why is it that when crunch time comes, i'm always expected to yield? when i don't, why am i met with terms like "unreasonable" and "not supportive"? why can't you understand that i've made the request in advance notice and that your, not once but twice, requests to get me to alter to your plans signifies to me, that your help can only be provided to me at your convenience? i'm not a friend. i'm not just your girlfriend. i'm your fiancee. i'm your wife-to-be. surely, that meant something right?

you asked me whether i still wanna marry you. frankly, i really want to. it breaks my heart when i came to realise that it appears that i'm such an inconvenience to you. that everything i request of you is an inconvenience that you will only do at your convenience. tell me, do you expect me to ask God to delay the birth of our child, just so that you can make that gig of yours? do you expect me to ask God to give me time to allow you to finish playing your gig so that we can bid our final farewell upon my deathbed? tell me, what do you expect me to do?

my heart is broken.
my faith is shaken.
tell me, how am i supposed to carry forth?

hearts 01:54:00
0 spoken words

Saturday, March 26, 2011

i won't lie.
i still miss you.
just talking about you today nearly brought tears to my eyes.

i miss you.
i miss you more than words could ever express.

but you left.
you left me alone.
to deal with all the things that the world could possibly throw.

you left me.
when i thought you'll be there to witness my happy days.

hearts 03:37:00
0 spoken words

Sunday, October 10, 2010

- wish -

there's a wish buried deep,
deep in the abyss of my heart.
a heart that has been tested,
tested enough, i foolishly thought.

this wish resurfaced yet again,
again it broke through the barriers.
these barriers was angrily placed,
placed to prevent any more tears.

that wish should have just left,
left and flutter to my only solace.
the solace was none other than you,
you who selfishly left me to wonder.

the wish is none other than you,
you being here still, laughing.
laughing with you was that wish,
a wish that is now just a wish.

hearts 03:44:00
0 spoken words

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

was reading someone's posts on flowerpod and i started thinking of you.

you once said to me that you wanna lock me up so that i don't get myself into trouble and let guys hurt me. now i'm asking you, where am i to lock myself up then when you left this world and left me heartbroken?

started tearing again when i heard the lines "far across the distance and spaces between us. you have come to show you go on" on radio.

i miss you.
and it hurts so bad.

hearts 02:13:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

i'm proud to say that these days have been happy days, thus, the neglect of this blog, which chronicles the down portions of my life.

hearts 20:04:00
0 spoken words

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the hostage situation in Manila broke my heart.

i chanced upon some of the photos taken during the hostage and, honestly, looking at those grim faces of individuals who are about to meet their doom was not pleasant. my partner asked me if i've watched the 'live' video of the stand-off and i replied a firm no. i can't. i just can't. the thought of having to watch a video, which was 'live' at the point of filming, knowing that the end was a bloodbath was just too much for me to bear.

as i ranted to my partner about the inadequacy of the Manila police force, i was choking back my tears. i had to take several pauses to compose myself. i found myself holding back my tears when i was in the showers, wondering what i would have done in that situation. it's not an easy situation to be in; definitely the most unpleasant.

for some strange reasons, i'm extremely affected by this event, to the extent of being apologetic. i'm sorry to the tourists that your lives have been cut short by the admitted failures of the Manila police force. i'm sorry to the family of these tourists who will forever mourn the what ifs and be haunted by this incident. i'm sorry to the family of the hijacker who will nonetheless feel indirectly responsible for the hijacker's actions. i'm sorry to the hijacker who must have been extremely desperate to have to resort to suicide by cop.

who i'm not sorry for is the police force. you failed. utterly failed. and this failure, unfortunately, was paid by innocent blood.

Rest in Peace.

hearts 22:43:00
0 spoken words

Thursday, August 19, 2010

i dreamt of my grandpa last night.
i was happy till i realised i've not dreamt of you for a long time.

but grandpa, don't be upset k? i miss you too. please visit me more often. :)

hearts 02:44:00
0 spoken words